I've realized something lately that I never noticed about myself before. Somewhere along the line between when I was little, and now, I changed. It wasn't a change for the better; in fact, it was a change for the worse. But I've only just realized how much worse.

When I was young, I could talk to anyone, about anything, at any time. I could talk to a perfect stranger and not care what people thought of me for it. I could start a conversation with anyone, and I thought it was a good thing. But, somewhere along the line, during the times where I was pushed, and tested, I broke. I became what I am now. Now I'm fighting just to stay afloat. I'm depressed, and I don't even feel it because I'm too busy wrapped in my own apathy to even notice.
I've become something different than I should be. Something different than the real me. Somewhere in those years of torture, the smart me, the me who cared about school, the me who liked people. The me who wanted to grow up. All of these were lost. Somehow, I managed to make the wrong choice. Now, my apathy has become my worst enemy, but I chose to cloak myself in it even now, because in the rare moment I allow myself to care about anything, all I feel is pain.

I'm not some stupid emo posting this because I'm looking for attention. I'm simply someone lost, trying to find the real me, and wondering if I'll ever be strong enough to become the old me. Every time I tried to be the old me, it ended in failure. I was teased, and made fun of for the very traits that made me who I was. The very traits I so dearly miss, which would have helped me become a better person than I am. The very traits that I now depend on to help me through this, and I've been forced to give them up. There was a battle of wills between me, and the bullies. And they won.

Now I feel empty. I don't care, and for the most part, I stay not caring. But every once in a while, something touches me, and makes me remember who I was, and who I want to be. That's why I'm even writing this. I need to get it out, even if nobody ever sees it.

I wish life was easier... But then, it never is. I've been clinging to the idea of "Ignorance is bliss", but I think I was lying to myself. I think I was clinging on to the idea that "Apathy buries the pain."

I need strength to help me become the old me, but I can't bring myself to acknowledge this to anyone else. I want to talk to Melissa, but I know I probably never will. I don't know why I'm forcing myself to do this alone. Maybe it's because I still want to deny that I need help. Maybe it's because everyone tells me that I can do it on my own. I don't have the strength...

I need somebody.

So, I finally caved in.

Yep, I caved in a made myself a personal blog. I've got no idea what all I'll be putting in here, but I guess I'll have a lot of music stuff, and whatnot.

Recently (This morning, actually) I've become at least temporarily obsessed with jrock. I've always said I hated visual kei and argued about what constituted rock and whatnot, but honestly, as much as I bitched about a lot of bands, I found a whole bunch I love. Kagrra, 新興宗教楽団NoGoD, SID, and Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra - Answer (ok, they're not jrock, but still) among others.

The problem with being into jrock and such is that many of these bands are relatively obscure, which makes locating their music a gigantic pain in the ass sometimes. I'm relearning the art of tracking obscure things down, thanks to this obsession.